We Come In, We Go Out The Same Way: Alone.

I had a dream this morning. I dreamt that I went back to school at OCU to finish my Master's. Why? I have no idea. I was dreaming, all right? I moved into a dorm/academic hall, into a teeny tiny dorm room with two other people. They just happened to be Lucy Davis and Columbus Short from "Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip." Cool roommates, right? The whole thing felt like my freshman year of college. In the dream, I looked around, felt a strange sense of circuity, and said to myself "well, we come in, we go out the same way."

Then all hell broke loose.

This dark thing, some kind of bipedal monster, appeared and started slashing people's throats. Blood, screaming, dead and dying falling all around, decomposing before my eyes. I've had the image in my head all day. I do have some control over my dreams, though, and I saved Lucy (well, not me, but I changed the narrative so that she lived). She hid in a mascot's outfit until the thing had passed. I can't remember if it killed me or not.

I awoke for the first time in my adult life on the verge of screaming. But I was raised Presbyterian, so I kept my emotions under control, like a Calvinist Vulcan. I shook it off and went on with my day.

About five hours later I heard what had happened in Virginia.

I sit here now, staring at the screen trying to wrap my mind around this horrible tragedy and pull it out of my brain, but I can't. So many thoughts, reactions, images and words swim through my mind right now that I just can't. I can't fucking do it.

All I can think is that anyone who wags their tongue today about the Second Amendment to the Constitution of the United States of America is an asshole, either way. This isn't about gun ownership and whether or not it should be legal/regulated/restricted/whatever. That discussion will come later, and I'm sure it will be ugly.

This story isn't about the law. It is about a monster that lived outside the law, that grew inside of a man and was left unchecked for too long. It's about the innocent people of Virginia Tech, now awash in blood and tears, and how they will continue to face down this brutal act long after the specters of today have faded from our minds and the next tragedy seizes our country by the throat.

But that isn't the end of the story. We've seen this cycle before. The pain, the grief, it pales in comparison to the resilience of humanity found in those who have been tested by such sorrow and pain. I know that the people of Virginia will overcome this, and go on to find hope and peace. I know this story will end with hope.

I can't think of anything else to say, except that I'm sorry.

God bless.

The Present Is A Gift

I worry about things. I worry about global warming. I worry about AIDS. I worry about the end of the world. I spend so much time worrying about these far-off threats, which are scary as hell, that I sometimes lose track of what's going on in the here and now.

And fundamentally, here and now is all that we ever have. I have struggled my entire life to realize that there are no act breaks in my life. Each moment leads inexorably into the next, whether or not I'm aware of the change. I guess that's why procrastination is so damned seductive. If we can compartmentalize our lives into "now" and "then" we give ourselves the illusion of control. We can trick ourselves into thinking that Time's March is interrupted from time to time, giving us a chance to breathe and reflect before we carry on. That would be nice. But it's bullshit. I think it's more important to disabuse ourselves of that idea and concentrate on "now."

I'm not sure if I mean to say that today is all that matters or not. I think maybe I do, actually. Today is the day that we write that novel, or we don't. Today is the day that we cure cancer, or we don't. Today is the day that we take that drink, or we don't. It's really not even today, though. It's the moment, and the next moment, and then the one after that. Each one is a gift, and how we use them will determine what kind of gifts we get next. But, regardless of how we use them, they keep coming until they stop.

I think I've wandered a bit off my original topic, so I'm going to get back to it now.

What is it? Simply this: the future is uncertain. It may be shitty or it may be great, and a lot of it depends on us. But all we can do is to make the best choices now, today, in this moment, in each moment. Being alive may seem like an unrelenting task sometimes, but it is one I firmly believe is worth the trouble.