We Come In, We Go Out The Same Way: Alone.

I had a dream this morning. I dreamt that I went back to school at OCU to finish my Master's. Why? I have no idea. I was dreaming, all right? I moved into a dorm/academic hall, into a teeny tiny dorm room with two other people. They just happened to be Lucy Davis and Columbus Short from "Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip." Cool roommates, right? The whole thing felt like my freshman year of college. In the dream, I looked around, felt a strange sense of circuity, and said to myself "well, we come in, we go out the same way."

Then all hell broke loose.

This dark thing, some kind of bipedal monster, appeared and started slashing people's throats. Blood, screaming, dead and dying falling all around, decomposing before my eyes. I've had the image in my head all day. I do have some control over my dreams, though, and I saved Lucy (well, not me, but I changed the narrative so that she lived). She hid in a mascot's outfit until the thing had passed. I can't remember if it killed me or not.

I awoke for the first time in my adult life on the verge of screaming. But I was raised Presbyterian, so I kept my emotions under control, like a Calvinist Vulcan. I shook it off and went on with my day.

About five hours later I heard what had happened in Virginia.

I sit here now, staring at the screen trying to wrap my mind around this horrible tragedy and pull it out of my brain, but I can't. So many thoughts, reactions, images and words swim through my mind right now that I just can't. I can't fucking do it.

All I can think is that anyone who wags their tongue today about the Second Amendment to the Constitution of the United States of America is an asshole, either way. This isn't about gun ownership and whether or not it should be legal/regulated/restricted/whatever. That discussion will come later, and I'm sure it will be ugly.

This story isn't about the law. It is about a monster that lived outside the law, that grew inside of a man and was left unchecked for too long. It's about the innocent people of Virginia Tech, now awash in blood and tears, and how they will continue to face down this brutal act long after the specters of today have faded from our minds and the next tragedy seizes our country by the throat.

But that isn't the end of the story. We've seen this cycle before. The pain, the grief, it pales in comparison to the resilience of humanity found in those who have been tested by such sorrow and pain. I know that the people of Virginia will overcome this, and go on to find hope and peace. I know this story will end with hope.

I can't think of anything else to say, except that I'm sorry.

God bless.

Look Away. I Can't Take Your Reflection.

I'm doing a pretty good job of not destroying myself lately. I've got a clean apartment, a new coffee pot, some tailored suits and ten pages of work done on my thesis. It's funny, but these little things make it easier for me to like myself again. I'm even sleeping better. And I'm getting pretty good at being alone. I'm reminded that it's not altogether easy to be alone. If you don't watch out, you can go crazy from loneliness. Or you might find yourself doing anything, no matter how distasteful, self-destructive and unfulfilling it is, just to make the feeling go away if even for a moment. But it keeps coming back. Loneliness is a symptom, I think, and not a cause. Until you learn to be happy with yourself, solitude will always lead to loneliness and pain. And if you keep chasing that pain away at the expense of your self-esteem, well that's what they call a vicious circle. Of course it all looks easy when some smart "young" man in a tailored suit explains it so rationally, but things are different in the real world. It's not always so easy to make the choices that are best for us. It's not always easy to understand what our motivations really are. And sometimes we make mistakes. It happens. Life's not a sprint, it's a marathon. If you fall down, get up and do better next time.

I think sunlight and caffeine might help.