I'm Just A Love Machine

Short post today. I'm leaving soon for Arkansas, where I'll be hosting this week at the Loony Bin in Little Rock. It's my first out-of-state booking! Come check it out if you happen to be in the Little Rock area. And if you want to hang out, we could go see Billy's Bibliotheque.

Next week will see the release of the first CD to include my comedy. It's a 77-minute monster, packed full of performances and interviews with local comedians. If you love comedy or mental illness, you'll probably get something out of it. Special thanks to James for putting the CD together and for planning the CD Release Show at Opolis on Friday, February 15. Come check it out if you happen to be in central Oklahoma.

In the meantime, you can listen to some of my new stuff from last night. I'm Just A Love Machine

My Talk Is Dirty But My Boots Are Clean.

I love writing.

Comedy.

Here We Go Again

Some days I think, "surely racism, Hitler and crack aren't funny," and then I think "no, that's just crazy. Of course Hitler is funny, and so is mental illness." Hitler and Crack!

They Don't Come Much More Sick Than You

I noticed lately I've been writing jokes about monstrous people and events. I don't know why that is. Well, regardless, here's some new stuff. Please enjoy some jokes about MONSTERS.

It's Everything That Is Connected And Beautiful

I find most art books to be utterly uninteresting and unengaging. I think it's the skill with which the art is photographed and reproduced on the page that puts me off. It's glossy, slick and perfect and it almost always bears no resemblance to what the artist created. There really is no substitute for being in the same physical space as a work of art, for sharing the same air and light as this thing. It becomes more real for me and I feel a real sense of communion that I never find from a reproduced image on a page.

Art in a book is separated from reality and the limits of the physical world. It becomes eternal and perfect, and I hate it. I hate it for the same reason that I am utterly bored by Superman. Because it is so removed, so unassailable and so fundamentally alien. It bores me.

But when I can see a piece of art, see the light reflected off of it with my own eyes, that is something very different. I never feel jaded when I stand face to face with a work of art, even the really shitty ones. Ultimately, I find beauty in the flaws. When I can see the grain of a canvas, or the irregular swirl in a brushstroke, or an errant drop of paint that landed on the picture in defiance of the artist's wishes, I see myself, and my flaws, and I find it very reassuring. We live in a flawed, beautiful world and seeing these works or art, and all of their cracks and blemishes, reminds me of just how beautiful this imperfect world can be.

There's also an impermanence to these objects. And they are, after all, simply objects. Paint, cloth, wood, bronze, clay, etc. These things begin as unremarkable pieces of stuff, and through human industry and invention become transcendent. That's fucking beautiful. But they remain things, existing in our physical world, and all things are impermanent. Things break down, they disappear. Each moment they are on display, each moment they exist, brings them one moment closer to their inevitable end. I work in an archive and the one thing I've picked up is that everything we try to preserve will one day perish from this earth, no matter what we do. Lock it up in a sealed, UV-protected vault at the Louvre all you want, but someday we will have to live in a world without the Mona Lisa. That's fucking beautiful. That's life. It's sad, and terrible and tragic and beautiful. It's perhaps the best metaphor for the human condition that I have ever found, and I'm constantly looking.

I just wanted you all to remember that I do have a soul as you listen to the hate-filled piece of shit I recorded at Othello's this week. And to all my friends who stuck around for the whole show, I apologize for throwing such a weird and embarrassing hissy. And thanks for coming out anyway, I hope you had a good time.

Winston Smith's Five Minute Hate

And go to the Oklahoma City Art Museum, dammit.

You've Made It Pretty Clear What You Like

I have very little to say today. I will point out that I passed the one year mark at my job last week. Didn't see that one coming. And one of my bosses wants to come see me perform sometime. I just hope she respects me in the morning.

Check out last night's funny trainwreck!

I Know You Love Me, But You're So Fucking Crazy.

I got a kitten last week. She's great. The people at PetSmart named her Winnie, but I call her Po. It's short for POTUS. We're bonding quite well, getting to know each other and all that. Here's a quick rundown of things she doesn't like: my belt; feathers; North Face shoes; my telephone earpiece; carpet; my leg. She's very sweet, though, and I don't think she's quit purring since she's been here.

Also, I had a pretty good set at Othello's this week. Listen, dammit.

Finally, here's the songs I've used for titles of late.

02.21.07
Waiting On A Sunday Afternoon For What I Read Between The Lines
“Interstate Love Song” by Stone Temple Pilots

02.28.07
You've Seen This Bullshit Once Before
“It’s All In The Way That You Trip” by The Prix

03.01.07
I See The Sky Above Me Like A Full Recovery
“What Makes You Happy” by Liz Phair

03.06.07
Tonight I'm Gonna Have Myself A Real Good Time
“Don’t Stop Me Now” by Queen

03.07.07
Because I Wanna See People And I Wanna See Life
“There Is A Light That Never Goes Out” (Smiths cover) by Nada Surf

03.08.07
The Present Is A Gift
“Live 4 Today” by Zion I

03.11.07
And You Wonder Why No One's Ever, Ever Talking To You. No One Ever, Ever Needed To.
“D. Boone Free (A Ninth Grade Crime)” by Centro-Matic

03.14.07
You Watched Me Hunt For Tips I Was Obliged To Pick Up From The Passing Trade
“The Fall Of The World’s Own Optimist” by Aimee Mann

03.18.07
Oh, Such A Prima Donna, Sorry For Myself
“Gotta Have You” by The Weepies

03/21/07
There Are Worse Ways For A Guy To Spend His Time
“Rest of My Life” by Rilo Kiley

04.05.07
Shut The Fuck Up
“Nugget” by Cake

04.06.07
Oh, What A Mess. I Wonder Who's Watching Me Now.
“Somebody’s Watching Me” by Rockwell

04.08.07
Spring Came, Rain Fell
“Spring Came, Rain Fell” by Club 8

04.12.07
You Think You're Dialed In? Someone Has To Win. And You Know What That Means? That Means Someone’s Got To Lose. It’s Probably You.
“Cream and Bastards Rise” by Harvey Danger

04.14.07
I'll Keep Digging For Fire
“Digging For Fire” by The Pixies

04.17.07
We Come In, We Go Out The Same Way: Alone.
“What’s Wrong With Alice?” by September 67

04.18.07
Love Is Watching Someone Die
“What Sarah Said” by Death Cab For Cutie

05.02.07
(Bam-A-Lam) Damn Thing Gone Wild (Bam-A-Lam)
“Black Betty” by Ram Jam Band

05.03.07
He Who Fucks Nuns Will Later Join The Church
“Death or Glory” by The Clash

05.09.07
I Know You Love Me, But You're So Fucking Crazy.
“Love Punch” by The Chalets

(Bam-A-Lam) Damn Thing Gone Wild (Bam-A-Lam)

For the last few weeks, Othello's has been packed. Leah wondered recently if we had created a monster. Perhaps we had. The whole thing had grown and changed in ways we never planned. That's chaos, baby. In fact, last week it was so clogged with people that I didn't even have a seat. It was so loud that I actually shouted "SHUT UP!" at the audience. They didn't shut up, by the way. Then afterwards, Ana told me she was planning to plaster campus and Campus Corner with flyers to try and get more people into the bar. I'm not sure that more people is the answer, but it's not my bar.

I was not really excited about the prospect of more people crowding into the bar tonight, making noise and not paying attention. And as such, I didn't really prepare myself at all. So, I felt like a total douche when a small, attentive crowd showed up for the show. I felt bad about the quality of my performance. Oh, well. I recorded it, though. You can take a listen if you like.

Listen Here

You Think You're Dialed In? Someone Has To Win. And You Know What That Means? That Means Someone's Got To Lose. It's Probably You.

Last night I gave a shitty performance. I blame no one but myself. I fucked it up. Pure and simple. I can shake that off pretty easily. I might just have to put down Dog Phone, though. God help me, I love that bit so much, but no one else does. C'est la guerre. I actually got heckled, which was a first for me. I don't see it as a failure, though. I learned some important lessons about taking the performance seriously, and about not expecting too much from the audience. Especially when they've had a few good hours to get drinks in themselves. Like I said, it's pretty easy to shake off.

Tonight at the Loony Bin I gave a great performance. It just wasn't good enough, though. Now that's a shitty feeling. It's times like these that I wish I had never gotten good grades or done well on standardized tests. I'm used to exceeding expectations, and I'm so conditioned to judge myself based on the external validation that comes from other people judging me and deeming my actions awesome. That's what the laughter is all about, right? But let me tell you, comedy is not a standardized test. It isn't a research paper on international media systems. There are no guarantees that your hard work will pay off. It is totally subjective. At the same time, I don't want to downplay the achievements of the (at least) 8 people who were found funnier than me tonight. I got beat. It happens. I'm proud of all my friends that made it to the finals at the Loony Bin, and I'll be there on Sunday to cheer them on. But the overachieving Phi Beta Kappa super-nerd within me is having a nice little identity crisis. And one of the nice things about comedy is that until recently, that square-tied little fucker didn't even know what I was up to. Each time I went up I got laughs or I didn't, and that was it. But in the past couple of weeks it's become about competition. And yeah, I know my perspective would be different if I were one of the 8 finalists competing on Sunday. Well, I'm not sure, actually. I always look forward to performing, even at a sketchy south town strip club. But I was fucking dreading my 5 minutes at the Loony Bin tonight.

Oh well, it's over now. And by the way, I am not fishing for compliments here, nor do I want anyone to try and make me feel better about any of this. I am quite confident in my ability to make people laugh, and I do not want to feel better about losing. I want to cling onto my disappointment and frustration like the last blanket in the Siege of Leningrad.

After all, I've earned it.

Shut The Fuck Up

People don't know how to behave anymore. I tried to use a gas station bathroom last night in Norman, crime capital of the world, only to discover that the Norman Police department has requested gas stations close Craphouse Central promptly at 9:00pm. Is this some sort of anti-bladder conspiracy? No, it is in reaction to the number of Hazmat teams called out to gas stations in recent weeks to remove heroin debris. Thanks, Spud! Because you don't have the decency to shoot up at home like the rest of us, I had to hold my piss until I got back to Oklahoma City. I timed it, too. I peed for 1 minute 2 seconds. It felt great.

People don't know how to act. I'm guilty of it, too. Come on, is that an appropriate title for a blog post? Anyone at all can wander into my site and come face to face with angry Japanese pop icons and overly-salty language. No warning, either. And being that the word "bible" is in my website name, I get more than my fair share of people following Google searches for "bible stories," "bible jokes" and, my personal favorite, "vacation bible school." Sorry, everyone. I don't know how to act.

But this trend is not just limited to the Internets and gas station pissers. I encountered it at Othello's Open Mic last night. First off, it was a huge success. So many people showed up that we had to bring in chairs and tables from the patio, and there were still people standing up. And everyone seemed to be having a good time. I hope that continues. I'm so glad that people are enjoying this event, and I'm so grateful to everyone who came out last night. So please understand that I am coming from a place of love and gratitude when I say to you: SHUT THE FUCK UP! There were some people at the show last night that would simply not be quiet.

And I bear some of the blame in this matter, too. I went up first, and was surprised by the amount of talky-talky. But I gave the crowd the benefit of the doubt. I just naturally assumed that once they got settled in, that the audience would SHUT THE FUCK UP and watch the show. And most of them did. The thing is, it doesn't take that many people talking to make a lot of noise and drown out the performer. But at no point in my set did I shout at the audience "SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Perhaps I should have. Anthony and I were discussing stage personae after the show, and I think I might be the guy who shouts "SHUT THE FUCK UP!" at the audience.

Would you like to hear the set? Okay, I think we can do that. It's pretty noisy, and you'll notice how I stop caring halfway through my set. That's the mark of a true professional, people. Not a lot of new stuff. In fact, most of it came from my set at the Comedy Fight Night. In case you didn't hear, Leah won the shit out of that contest. What a bitch. Anyway, here's the set from last night. But be forewarned: it's wicked-long.

Othello's: 04/03/07 - Download.

Because I Wanna See People And I Wanna See Life

So, last night was the first ever Open Mic Night at Othello's in Norman. It was great. We packed the place, which means we'll get to do it again. March 27th. Mark your calendars. I want to thank everyone who made it out to the show. I know Tuesday is a pretty crappy night for going out, so I really appreciate it. I hope everyone had a good time. I also want to thank the comics who came to perform. We only had seven comics show up, but they were good, so I'll get over it. Also, thanks to Howard, Evan, Anna and Terry at Othello's. I hope you guys made some money.

So, like I said, we'll do this again on March 27th, 2007 at Othello's of Norman.

In the meantime, you can listen to me introducing the evening's festivities.

March 6, 2007 - Download.