Can't You See The Camera Loves Me?

So, what did I do to start the new year? I took a couple of vacation days. You know, just for me. What did I do? Well, Thursday was "me" day. I went to the eye doctor, came home, then drank two liters of a "cherry-flavored" laxative. The rest of the day went pretty much how you'd expect.

Friday was a special treat. I got to have a colonoscopy! Oh, I forgot to mention that before. That's why I spent Thursday drinking laxatives, so that I'd be good and clean for the little camera that would soon be snaking its way through my body's "Texas."

Colonoscopies, if you've never had one, are a lot of fun. Seriously. They're an outpatient procedure, so you don't have to hassle with a hospital room, but you still get to get totally naked behind a curtain while strangers are doing office work ten feet away. When else in your life can you make that dream come true and not have to face charges later? Then comes the best part. A lovely young nurse comes in with more paperwork for you to sign, and you'd better go ahead and do it now, because in a few minutes there's gonna be a needle taped to the back of your hand. Awesome. Having an IV, in case you didn't know, is like having a bottomless drink. Of saltwater. That goes straight into you. Through a needle.

Then you get to sit there for a while, until another nurse comes and takes you into the procedure room, which looks more like a storage closet than any television show O.R. And for some reason soft rock from the 1970s is playing while still more nurses attach heart monitors and other wires to you, then somebody does something to your IV and you pass out. When you open your eyes someone's shouting at you and you have no idea where you are or even that any time has passed. But you hazily get dressed, make a joke to yourself about the walk of shame, then someone shows you some pictures of your guts and tells you everything is fine. Then someone drives you home. If you're really lucky they stop and pick up some Chinese take-out for you for lunch.

So, that's how I spent my vacation days. Here's some pictures:



Notice the smooth texture.


I don't know what the "20" denotes.


Freshly cleaned.


I don't mean to brag, but that is one nice-looking bowel.


Want to keep my ass with you all day? Check out these new AIM Buddy Icons!

And now: ANIMATED!


Come see me and my magical ass in Tulsa on Sunday at the Nightingale Theatre! Me and a bunch of other comics, probably start at 8:00pm and probably cost $5.00.

I Wanna Know What Love Is

Here's a short story I wrote for a local anthology publication. It was not accepted. It's the prologue for a larger story I'm trying to write.

I Wanna Know What Love Is

Once upon a time, an ordinary box of BioHands latex gloves in an ordinary laboratory in an ordinary hospital wondered "what is love?" He pondered the question, day after day, as men and women pulled sterile, powdered gloves from the hole in his top to take care of the business of measuring and understanding the various bodily fluids that passed through the laboratory as easily as they once passed through veins and organs.

As his supply of gloves dwindled, nearly gone, he despaired of ever feeling love and resigned himself to ending his existence in cold, sanitary solitude. "Maybe it's impossible for a box of BioHands gloves to get a fair shake in this world," he thought, "but at least I'm self-aware. That's more than the pipettes have going for them."

He sighed to himself, as much as a cardboard box of medical supplies can, and watched the last of the lab staff file out the door, turning off the lights and leaving him in darkness. He noticed a faint blue light illuminating the darkness of the lab, growing brighter and brighter. At first he was bewildered and scared, then remembered he was a box of gloves and probably not in any danger.

Out of the blue light, a plump, elderly woman appeared. Diaphanous blue and violet cloth surrounded her, and she carried a small slender stick with a star at the tip. She looked right at the box of Biohands latex gloves, and suddenly he was afraid again. She smiled softly and tapped him with her stick.

"What the hell" he exclaimed. "Wait a minute, did I just talk?"

"Yes," she said. "How does it feel?"

"Wow. It feels pretty good."

"Good," she said, "do you mind if I sit down?"

"Um, sure," he said.

She pulled a short stool out from one of the workstations and collapsed on it. "Oh, that feels good. I'm getting too old for this."

"Too old for what?"

"Oh, you know. The blue light, appearing from nothing, transforming things. Disregarding the laws of physics is a young woman's game, my dear."

"Transforming things?"

"Oh my, yes." She pointed to a glass storage case next to her.

Reflected on its surface was the face of a man in his late twenties. He had a dumbfounded look on his face, but was otherwise a decent looking sort.

"What the hell is that?"

"That's you, kiddo," she replied.

"What?" The reflection's mouth moved as he spoke. "That's me?"

"Yep," she took off one of her violet slippers and started rubbing her foot, "you're a real boy. Or rather, man."

He looked at her, mouth agape and eyes unblinking.

"You know, you've been a person for almost two minutes, and you've only mastered that one look. You really should branch out, my boy. It's not very attractive." She put her slipper back on and stood up.

A smile spread across his face. "I'm a man."

"Yes, yes you are. Let's call you Lou." She straightened her garments and looked at Lou with a bemused smile. "Now, let's go over then plan, Lou."

"Plan?"

"Yes, the plan. What you're going to do and how you're going to do it." She touched his arm. "You've been given an opportunity that few boxes of latex gloves, and no pipettes at all, ever receive: you get the chance to find out what love is." She paused for a second to let it sink in. "You want to find out, don't you?"

"It's the only thing I've ever wanted," he said without thinking.

"Of course you do, and you will." She opened her purse and pulled out a wallet and a set of keys. "Here you are, Lou. We've set you up with an identity, social security number, apartment, the whole deal."

"Wow, thanks," he said as he took the items from her. "Why are you doing this?"

"Birds gotta fly, fish gotta swim, fairy god-mothers gotta grant wishes."

"I don't know what that means," he said.

"I know," she said. "It's not important. It's what we do. But there's a catch, Lou," she said.

"Oh, come on. Why?"

"Hey, you're getting a pretty good deal here, don't get greedy. I'm a magical fairy god-mother. There's always a catch. Didn't you ever read any fairy tales? No, of course you didn't. Right. Anyway, there's a catch."

"What is it?"

"Each Sunday evening, you must perform the Foreigner song 'I Wanna Know What Love Is' at a public Karaoke bar."

"What?! That song sucks!"

"Oh, so you've heard the song?"

"Yeah, I've heard the song. Damn."

"Well, you'd better get over your musical snobbery, Lou, or else it's back to in-animation for you," she waved her wand in his face to punctuate the last point. "You'll soon find that it's one of the least humiliating things you'll do for love."

"Well, thanks, I guess."

"You're welcome. Now, you'd best get some clothes on and get out of here, Lou." She walked toward the door.

"Aren't you going to vanish in a ball of blue light, like you showed up in earlier?"

"Lou, didn't I just tell you, not 5 minutes ago, what a pain in the ass that is? I'm gonna go get a cab. I'll see you later." She opened the door and left, pulling it closed behind her.

Lou stood alone, naked in the dark laboratory. He felt cold, excited, and a little scared.

He couldn't wait to feel more.