Didn't Mean A Word Of It

What a great crowd this week at the Loony Bin. Usually "I hate women" is the setup for a joke, not a laugh line. Wow. I should point out, again, that I don't actually hate women. Just so we're clear. In fact, most of what I say on stage is a lie. But don't tell anyone.

You can hear my set, short as it is, right here: Listen

We Come In, We Go Out The Same Way: Alone.

I had a dream this morning. I dreamt that I went back to school at OCU to finish my Master's. Why? I have no idea. I was dreaming, all right? I moved into a dorm/academic hall, into a teeny tiny dorm room with two other people. They just happened to be Lucy Davis and Columbus Short from "Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip." Cool roommates, right? The whole thing felt like my freshman year of college. In the dream, I looked around, felt a strange sense of circuity, and said to myself "well, we come in, we go out the same way."

Then all hell broke loose.

This dark thing, some kind of bipedal monster, appeared and started slashing people's throats. Blood, screaming, dead and dying falling all around, decomposing before my eyes. I've had the image in my head all day. I do have some control over my dreams, though, and I saved Lucy (well, not me, but I changed the narrative so that she lived). She hid in a mascot's outfit until the thing had passed. I can't remember if it killed me or not.

I awoke for the first time in my adult life on the verge of screaming. But I was raised Presbyterian, so I kept my emotions under control, like a Calvinist Vulcan. I shook it off and went on with my day.

About five hours later I heard what had happened in Virginia.

I sit here now, staring at the screen trying to wrap my mind around this horrible tragedy and pull it out of my brain, but I can't. So many thoughts, reactions, images and words swim through my mind right now that I just can't. I can't fucking do it.

All I can think is that anyone who wags their tongue today about the Second Amendment to the Constitution of the United States of America is an asshole, either way. This isn't about gun ownership and whether or not it should be legal/regulated/restricted/whatever. That discussion will come later, and I'm sure it will be ugly.

This story isn't about the law. It is about a monster that lived outside the law, that grew inside of a man and was left unchecked for too long. It's about the innocent people of Virginia Tech, now awash in blood and tears, and how they will continue to face down this brutal act long after the specters of today have faded from our minds and the next tragedy seizes our country by the throat.

But that isn't the end of the story. We've seen this cycle before. The pain, the grief, it pales in comparison to the resilience of humanity found in those who have been tested by such sorrow and pain. I know that the people of Virginia will overcome this, and go on to find hope and peace. I know this story will end with hope.

I can't think of anything else to say, except that I'm sorry.

God bless.

To Hell With Valentine's, To Hell With Perfume. To Hell With Chocolates And Picnics And Sinatra Tunes.

Today is Valentine's Day. Big deal. I can't tell you how little that means to me. As far as holidays go, only Earth Day is more ridiculously fake. I wouldn't say that I "hate" Valentine's Day, but I've had some really hateful experiences on or around that holiday. In fact, I would go so far as to say that I've had worse luck around Valentine's than I have at Christmas. Even the good ones turned out pretty crappy. So, for all of you who love this holiday, good for you. For the rest of us, we can take solace in the fact that this holiday is utter bullshit.

Also, you can watch my most recent standup performance. You can watch it on YouTube below, or sign up for my podcast! The feed is http://feeds.feedburner.com/BibleBeltBabylon


Special thanks to Rachel Brown and Anthony Cavazos for the video.

Happy Wednesday to all, and to all a good night.