Can't You See The Camera Loves Me?

So, what did I do to start the new year? I took a couple of vacation days. You know, just for me. What did I do? Well, Thursday was "me" day. I went to the eye doctor, came home, then drank two liters of a "cherry-flavored" laxative. The rest of the day went pretty much how you'd expect.

Friday was a special treat. I got to have a colonoscopy! Oh, I forgot to mention that before. That's why I spent Thursday drinking laxatives, so that I'd be good and clean for the little camera that would soon be snaking its way through my body's "Texas."

Colonoscopies, if you've never had one, are a lot of fun. Seriously. They're an outpatient procedure, so you don't have to hassle with a hospital room, but you still get to get totally naked behind a curtain while strangers are doing office work ten feet away. When else in your life can you make that dream come true and not have to face charges later? Then comes the best part. A lovely young nurse comes in with more paperwork for you to sign, and you'd better go ahead and do it now, because in a few minutes there's gonna be a needle taped to the back of your hand. Awesome. Having an IV, in case you didn't know, is like having a bottomless drink. Of saltwater. That goes straight into you. Through a needle.

Then you get to sit there for a while, until another nurse comes and takes you into the procedure room, which looks more like a storage closet than any television show O.R. And for some reason soft rock from the 1970s is playing while still more nurses attach heart monitors and other wires to you, then somebody does something to your IV and you pass out. When you open your eyes someone's shouting at you and you have no idea where you are or even that any time has passed. But you hazily get dressed, make a joke to yourself about the walk of shame, then someone shows you some pictures of your guts and tells you everything is fine. Then someone drives you home. If you're really lucky they stop and pick up some Chinese take-out for you for lunch.

So, that's how I spent my vacation days. Here's some pictures:



Notice the smooth texture.


I don't know what the "20" denotes.


Freshly cleaned.


I don't mean to brag, but that is one nice-looking bowel.


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And now: ANIMATED!


Come see me and my magical ass in Tulsa on Sunday at the Nightingale Theatre! Me and a bunch of other comics, probably start at 8:00pm and probably cost $5.00.