I Wanna Know What Love Is

Here's a short story I wrote for a local anthology publication. It was not accepted. It's the prologue for a larger story I'm trying to write.

I Wanna Know What Love Is

Once upon a time, an ordinary box of BioHands latex gloves in an ordinary laboratory in an ordinary hospital wondered "what is love?" He pondered the question, day after day, as men and women pulled sterile, powdered gloves from the hole in his top to take care of the business of measuring and understanding the various bodily fluids that passed through the laboratory as easily as they once passed through veins and organs.

As his supply of gloves dwindled, nearly gone, he despaired of ever feeling love and resigned himself to ending his existence in cold, sanitary solitude. "Maybe it's impossible for a box of BioHands gloves to get a fair shake in this world," he thought, "but at least I'm self-aware. That's more than the pipettes have going for them."

He sighed to himself, as much as a cardboard box of medical supplies can, and watched the last of the lab staff file out the door, turning off the lights and leaving him in darkness. He noticed a faint blue light illuminating the darkness of the lab, growing brighter and brighter. At first he was bewildered and scared, then remembered he was a box of gloves and probably not in any danger.

Out of the blue light, a plump, elderly woman appeared. Diaphanous blue and violet cloth surrounded her, and she carried a small slender stick with a star at the tip. She looked right at the box of Biohands latex gloves, and suddenly he was afraid again. She smiled softly and tapped him with her stick.

"What the hell" he exclaimed. "Wait a minute, did I just talk?"

"Yes," she said. "How does it feel?"

"Wow. It feels pretty good."

"Good," she said, "do you mind if I sit down?"

"Um, sure," he said.

She pulled a short stool out from one of the workstations and collapsed on it. "Oh, that feels good. I'm getting too old for this."

"Too old for what?"

"Oh, you know. The blue light, appearing from nothing, transforming things. Disregarding the laws of physics is a young woman's game, my dear."

"Transforming things?"

"Oh my, yes." She pointed to a glass storage case next to her.

Reflected on its surface was the face of a man in his late twenties. He had a dumbfounded look on his face, but was otherwise a decent looking sort.

"What the hell is that?"

"That's you, kiddo," she replied.

"What?" The reflection's mouth moved as he spoke. "That's me?"

"Yep," she took off one of her violet slippers and started rubbing her foot, "you're a real boy. Or rather, man."

He looked at her, mouth agape and eyes unblinking.

"You know, you've been a person for almost two minutes, and you've only mastered that one look. You really should branch out, my boy. It's not very attractive." She put her slipper back on and stood up.

A smile spread across his face. "I'm a man."

"Yes, yes you are. Let's call you Lou." She straightened her garments and looked at Lou with a bemused smile. "Now, let's go over then plan, Lou."

"Plan?"

"Yes, the plan. What you're going to do and how you're going to do it." She touched his arm. "You've been given an opportunity that few boxes of latex gloves, and no pipettes at all, ever receive: you get the chance to find out what love is." She paused for a second to let it sink in. "You want to find out, don't you?"

"It's the only thing I've ever wanted," he said without thinking.

"Of course you do, and you will." She opened her purse and pulled out a wallet and a set of keys. "Here you are, Lou. We've set you up with an identity, social security number, apartment, the whole deal."

"Wow, thanks," he said as he took the items from her. "Why are you doing this?"

"Birds gotta fly, fish gotta swim, fairy god-mothers gotta grant wishes."

"I don't know what that means," he said.

"I know," she said. "It's not important. It's what we do. But there's a catch, Lou," she said.

"Oh, come on. Why?"

"Hey, you're getting a pretty good deal here, don't get greedy. I'm a magical fairy god-mother. There's always a catch. Didn't you ever read any fairy tales? No, of course you didn't. Right. Anyway, there's a catch."

"What is it?"

"Each Sunday evening, you must perform the Foreigner song 'I Wanna Know What Love Is' at a public Karaoke bar."

"What?! That song sucks!"

"Oh, so you've heard the song?"

"Yeah, I've heard the song. Damn."

"Well, you'd better get over your musical snobbery, Lou, or else it's back to in-animation for you," she waved her wand in his face to punctuate the last point. "You'll soon find that it's one of the least humiliating things you'll do for love."

"Well, thanks, I guess."

"You're welcome. Now, you'd best get some clothes on and get out of here, Lou." She walked toward the door.

"Aren't you going to vanish in a ball of blue light, like you showed up in earlier?"

"Lou, didn't I just tell you, not 5 minutes ago, what a pain in the ass that is? I'm gonna go get a cab. I'll see you later." She opened the door and left, pulling it closed behind her.

Lou stood alone, naked in the dark laboratory. He felt cold, excited, and a little scared.

He couldn't wait to feel more.

And It Gives Me Something To Laugh About, 'Cause My Real Life Ain't Fucking Funny.

Nathan told me recently that comedy at the club level is all about selling beer.

There's something disturbing, yet comforting about that idea.

When I think about the performances of great comedians like Lenny Bruce or Richard Pryor, I focus so much on how groundbreaking they were and how amazing their material was that I forget the rooms were full of people who just wanted to have a good time. They didn't necessarily care about changing the rules of our culture or shining lights on the dark, hypocritical corners of society. They wanted to laugh, be with their friends and have a drink. If they weren't there buying tickets and booze and shitty, stale bar food there wouldn't be a club in the first place. And Lenny and Richard would just be some really funny homeless guys.

So thank you, beer-swilling crowds. You make it possible for me to do something I love. No matter how much you may suck, nor how much you may hate everything I say or do, I will always love you, just for showing up and spending your money.

Next week will be my one year anniversary of doing comedy, and I'll be hosting at the Loony Bin all week, doing my level best to sell some beer.

Come see me.

In the meantime, check out my set from Tulsa last week.



Or download

Hey Baby, It's The Fourth Of July

To celebrate Independence Day, I have created two new T-Shirts, and uploaded my set from Othello's last week. Enjoy your freedom.

NPCS
Confessions in Cotton
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In The Company Of Strangers With Some Vulgar Shit To Say

So, while I was in Dallas, I made an appearance at the Back Door Comedy Club. Funny thing about the Back Door is, you have to be clean. Not just clean, but really clean. No expletives, no bodily fluids, no sex acts, no nothing. So, you can guess it was easy for me to pick out three minutes of material. The sound quality on this is pretty awful, and you've probably heard it all before. So, don't listen to it. But if you really must, you can listen here.