You've Seen This Bullshit Once Before

Some old stuff, some new stuff. I think it went well. Not as many laughs as I would like, but I'm not going to be happy unless at least four people piss themselves. Four. Anyway, it was a good crowd, and I was happy to be their first comic of the night.

On Tuesday, however, I will be in Norman, at Othello's, for their brand-spankin' new Open Mic. It's on Campus Corner, near Buchanan and White. It's free, so come check it out. We're starting at 9:30.

In the meantime, I gave birth to an audio file. Congratulations! It's an MP3!

Waiting On A Sunday Afternoon For What I Read Between The Lines

The following scene actually happened.

It's a Sunday afternoon at the Super Target in Garland, Texas. Kaci and I are on our first date. We had just walked from Starbucks to the Super Target because I forgot the name of the board game "Cranium," and I had to figure it out before the date could continue. Yeah, that's the sort shit that happens when you party with me.

So, as we're walking into Super Target we start talking about east Texas, and I jokingly ask Kaci if she eats squirrel. She replies in the positive. Now, I once dated a girl who ate dog, so I'm not too disturbed by this. However, she goes on to describe the cooking methods, and how squirrel is referred to as "a mess" when one is preparing the meat. I'm shocked, SHOCKED, that there is such a term. I ask aloud as we are walking, "where does a person even get squirrel?"

A woman behind us says "oh, squirrels fall out of trees."

Squirrels fall out of trees.

We don't immediately say anything, because, what the hell do you say? She continues, "I've actually got some squirrel mix here."

And I swear to God, for a moment I think she's talking about some kind of rodent Shake-N-Bake, and I'm about to throw up in my mouth when I see she's talking about a seed mix for feeding squirrels. Perhaps to fatten them up, I wonder?

"Really," Kaci says to the woman. Apparently she deals with crazy better than I.

"Oh yeah, one of the trees in my yard. Last year, two baby squirrels fell out. I bottle fed them and raised them by hand."

"Wow," she says. I still can't speak.

"Uh-huh. They're real small, and hairless. Like little fetuses." LIKE LITTLE FETUSES! I can't talk. I'm not even trying. I've given up. "The girl still comes up to me and lets me feed her, lets me pet her; but her brother is very independent. He's been on his own for almost a year now."

"Oh, that's so cute." Kaci looks at me quickly. I manage to nod.

"Yeah, well, anyway, I just heard you two talking about squirrels, and I thought, 'what are the chances,' right? So, y'all have a good day!" The squirrel lady pushes her cart down the aisle.

Kaci and I look at each other, mouths agape in disbelief.

"Did that really just happen," I finally manage to ask.

"Yeah," she says, "it did."

That's all.

[late edit: Kaci remembers the woman saying "embryos" instead of "fetuses," but I think fetus is funnier than embryo so I'll leave the text as it is]

I Wish The World Was Flat Like The Old Days; Then I Could Travel Just By Folding A Map

Happy New Year! It's the year of the Golden Boar, you guys. May health, happiness and prosperity shower you like the salty sweat shaken from the prodigious torso of the Buddha himself. It's been a good year so far. It's been better than I could have planned, in fact. I had more fun in Texas yesterday than I've ever had in that state, and more fun than I've had in quite some time. I hope it goes as well for all of you.

Okay, this is a post divisible by 20, so now I will give credit to the songs and artists that inspired the last 20 entries. Gong Xi Fa Cai!

11.21.2006
'Cause I'm A Man, Not A Boy; And There Are Things You Can't Avoid
"Fight Test" by The Flaming Lips

12.08.2006
Don't You Think The Joker Laughs At You? Ho-Ho-Ho, Hee-Hee-Hee, Ha-Ha-Ha!
"I Am The Walrus" by Jim Carrey (Beatles cover)

12.10.2006
She Said I’m So Obsessed That I’m Becoming A Bore, Oh No
"Laid" by James

12.14.2006
The Crowds Keep Me Coming Back; Cheering
"My Slumbering Heart" by Rilo Kiley

12.25.2006
I Don't Know Where I Am But I Know I Don't Like It.
"Tenderness" by General Public

12.27.2006
I Care, I Swear.
"12/26" by Kimya Dawson

12.27.2006
Bowel-Shaking Earthquakes Of Doubt And Remorse
"The Distance" by Cake

1.01.2007
My New Resolution Is To Be Someone Who Does Not Take Everything So Seriously
"New Resolution" by Heartless Bastards

1.09.2007
Is There Life On Mars?
"Life on Mars?" by David Bowie

1.11.2007
I Wanna Stand Up, I Wanna Let Go
"All These Things That I've Done" by The Killers

1.15.2007
It's The Terror Of Knowing What The World Is About
"Under Pressure" by Queen & David Bowie

1.20.2007
I'll Stop The World And Melt With You
"I Melt With You" by Nouvelle Vague (Modern English cover)

1.20.2007
Twenty-Twenty-Twenty Four Hours To Go. I Wanna Be Sedated.
"I Wanna Be Sedated" by The Ramones

1.23.2007
And I Can't, Can't Get That The Future Might Depend A Bit On These Mistakes I Keep Making Over
"British Spelling" by Palomar

1.25.2007
Bandages Have Advantages, Too.
"Bandages" by Hot Hot Heat

2.02.2007
Is There Only Pain And Hatred, And Misery?
"(What's So Funny 'Bout) Peace Love And Understanding?" by Elvis Costello & The Attractions (Brinsley Schwarz cover)

2.06.2007
Look Away. I Can't Take Your Reflection.
"Consigned To Oblivion" by Farmer Not So John

2.07.2007
Lenny Bruce Is Not Afraid.
"It's The End Of The World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)" by R.E.M.

2.14.2007
To Hell With Valentine's, To Hell With Perfume. To Hell With Chocolates And Picnics And Sinatra Tunes.
"Crash the Party" by O.K. Go

2.19.2007
I Wish The World Was Flat Like The Old Days; Then I Could Travel Just By Folding A Map
"The New Year" by Death Cab For Cutie

To Hell With Valentine's, To Hell With Perfume. To Hell With Chocolates And Picnics And Sinatra Tunes.

Today is Valentine's Day. Big deal. I can't tell you how little that means to me. As far as holidays go, only Earth Day is more ridiculously fake. I wouldn't say that I "hate" Valentine's Day, but I've had some really hateful experiences on or around that holiday. In fact, I would go so far as to say that I've had worse luck around Valentine's than I have at Christmas. Even the good ones turned out pretty crappy. So, for all of you who love this holiday, good for you. For the rest of us, we can take solace in the fact that this holiday is utter bullshit.

Also, you can watch my most recent standup performance. You can watch it on YouTube below, or sign up for my podcast! The feed is http://feeds.feedburner.com/BibleBeltBabylon


Special thanks to Rachel Brown and Anthony Cavazos for the video.

Happy Wednesday to all, and to all a good night.

Lenny Bruce Is Not Afraid.

Someone laughed at my Eraserhead joke. That's enough for me to call any performance a success. Sometimes I really love comedy.

Take a listen here.

And come see me, Anthony and Leah this Saturday at the KND's new show, "It's The End If We Blow It." It's at the Electric Chair Gallery, and it's only two dollars! So come on out, dammit.

Look Away. I Can't Take Your Reflection.

I'm doing a pretty good job of not destroying myself lately. I've got a clean apartment, a new coffee pot, some tailored suits and ten pages of work done on my thesis. It's funny, but these little things make it easier for me to like myself again. I'm even sleeping better. And I'm getting pretty good at being alone. I'm reminded that it's not altogether easy to be alone. If you don't watch out, you can go crazy from loneliness. Or you might find yourself doing anything, no matter how distasteful, self-destructive and unfulfilling it is, just to make the feeling go away if even for a moment. But it keeps coming back. Loneliness is a symptom, I think, and not a cause. Until you learn to be happy with yourself, solitude will always lead to loneliness and pain. And if you keep chasing that pain away at the expense of your self-esteem, well that's what they call a vicious circle. Of course it all looks easy when some smart "young" man in a tailored suit explains it so rationally, but things are different in the real world. It's not always so easy to make the choices that are best for us. It's not always easy to understand what our motivations really are. And sometimes we make mistakes. It happens. Life's not a sprint, it's a marathon. If you fall down, get up and do better next time.

I think sunlight and caffeine might help.