I Care, I Swear.

Two years ago a quarter of a million people died in a massive tsunami. Millions were left homeless, stranded, orphaned and destroyed. At the same time here in Oklahoma, I was contemplating ending a two-year relationship with my then girlfriend, and I was ashamed to be breaking up with someone the day after Christmas. I was trapped inside my head, going over the reasons behind my decision, thinking and rethinking the situation. I had no idea what was happening in the Pacific Ocean. All I could see was what was going on in my little world: the impending heartbreak, the betrayal. And I felt guilty, and scared. In fact I was dreading it terribly. Once it was finally over and done with I felt relieved, as I'm sure most people do after a relationship is over (whether they want to admit it or not). I went to bed, woke up in the morning, and finally realized that while I was playing out my little drama, a quarter of a million people had died in the kind of terror that no one should be subjected to. I woke up and the world slapped me in the face. I woke up and realized that my fear and my pain were not the Greek tragedy I thought they were. My trauma was banal, and insipid, and utterly pedestrian. Sometimes it's the night sky that makes us feel small and insignificant, and sometimes it's the knowledge that 250,000 of us can be wiped out in the blink of an eye.

I still feel bad about it. I don't regret that I ended a long term relationship like I did, when I did. But rather, I'm ashamed that when I saw news stories about the anniversary tonight, and when I think about the tsunami, I think of it against the backdrop of my own personal problems and "issues." Two years later, and the deaths of two hundred and fifty thousand men, women and children are still inextricably tied to my own emotional trauma.

That makes me feel petty, and vain, and arrogant. And it reminds me that I'm human.

I Don't Know Where I Am But I Know I Don't Like It.

I hate the mall. I hate the noise, the crowds, the prices, the parking lots. Everything except the pretzel place. In the past, the mall has been particularly dreadful for me in the Christmas season. It drives me crazy being at the mall, but I always end up there, searching in vain for a present that doesn't suck like Mariah Carey's Christmas album. It really ruins the Christmas season for me.

So, each December I pray that I will finally have the steely resolve necessary to look my friends and family in the eyes and say "I'm not doing Christmas this year. I love you, but I'm neither giving nor receiving presents. Now, who wants Chinese food?" The Chinese food is really just a quick way to change the topic, and nothing makes you forget about holiday tradition faster than a mouthful of Szechuan Green Beans.

I've gone so far as to eschew flu shots to protect against the winter madness, but I always seem to find myself at the mall shortly before Christmas, stuck in a sort of purgatory, where I must languish until I dig through the memories of my loved ones to decide if anyone I know needs a copy of "24: The DVD Boardgame." Thankfully, I was born again early this year, and got myself to Target on Friday night. It's a much nicer way to shop, I think. You've got your cart, there's not a giant fountain creating a constant drone in the back of your mind, and there's just fewer people. So, if I got you something you don't like this year, you know where to take it.

Well, that's not entirely true. There was one item on my list that Target did not have. And it made me sick to contemplate it, but I knew I could find it at Macy's, or JC Penny, or some other "anchor" store. So, I went to the mall on the Saturday before Christmas. I spent 20 minutes in the parking lot. I spent two minutes stuck behind a Lincoln Navigator with the license plate "Howell 5" as they waited for a man to back out who, it turns out, was just putting some bags back into his truck. I got to see Josh Heupel signing autographs, although it might have been Jason White. Someone tried to sell me fake snow. It didn't seem to have a lot to do with anything religious, let alone the birth of a savior.

Here's where I might bring up the crass commercialization of Christmas, or the historical inaccuracies of the story, or even the evil nature of that which is Christmas music. But I won't. I'm going to get off my high horse, and just admit that I like Christmas. Yeah, the mall sucks. Traffic sucks. Fruitcake sucks. But at the same time, I like being with my loved ones. I like giving them gifts. I like Christmas lights and Charlie Brown's Christmas Special. Sure, there's a lot about the holiday that makes me cringe, or even fume. And I would rather sit in silence than listen to Christmas music. But I'm not going to be a dick about it. I'm cutting out the "bah" and the "humbug." I'm remembering the joy of spending time with my friends and family, and the beauty of a savior coming to Earth to bring people gifts that were undeserved but greatly appreciated.

So I say Merry Christmas, and thank you all for being a part of my life. I don't know if I deserve you, but I do appreciate having you in my life.

The Crowds Keep Me Coming Back; Cheering

I was on stage three times in the last five days. I'm glad that I don't have a show this weekend, and that I won't be at the Loony Bin next week; but at the same time I wish that I did have a show this weekend, and that I would be performing at the Loony Bin next week. I really enjoyed being on stage last night, even if my set was a bit disorganized and disjointed, and could have been tighter. Whatever, it was mostly new material, and I'm just glad to know that it works. And that's the thing that surprised me. People laughed, and they laughed at the right time, at the right things. I felt a lot better about my writing than I have for a while. I'm still unhappy with my delivery (editor- and yes, I understand that my delivery is good; I'm really not fishing for compliments, I just want it to be perfect), but I consider last night to be a success. Except for one thing. My digital voice recorder sucks. It is an Olympus VN-3100PC, and it sounds like crap. I was using the same external microphone that I've been using since August, but the quality is just not up to par (the sound files were transferred digitally, so that's not the problem). Unfortunately, my Samsung USB Voice Recorder is in the shop, as the power/play/stop button quit working. You can imagine how that would limit its usefulness.

Well, that's it. I'm still going to post the set from last night, just be aware that the sound quality is butt-like. And I'll be at Liberty D's on Monday, trying out some new material. Seriously, come to Liberty D's. And this is a message for any comics who read my blog: if you skip Liberty D's open mic night, then complain about a lack of stage time in the area and I hear you, I will stab you in the face with my San Pellegrino bottle. Yeah, it's a crappy crowd, but it won't be if we start going every week. Especially if we tell our friends "you can hear my dirty stuff at Liberty D's" and they start coming out.

So do it, or get stabbed.

Listen to some crappy audio here.

She Said I’m So Obsessed That I’m Becoming A Bore, Oh No

I am actually so bored with some of my material that I nearly ruined my entire performance last night. I've heard it so many times that I just couldn't get excited enough about it to make the audience excited about it. And I think I'm fine with that. I think it's time to retire Dr. Schweitzer and Sudafed. I don't need an excuse to talk about the crappy doctors I saw at Goddard, or about the jaded folks at Walgreens; and the set up for that stuff was (is) just too damn long. My setups, in general, are too damn long. Time to take the knife to it, I guess.

The evening was a success overall. IAO made a bunch of money on the bar sales, and we raised over $170 for Central Oklahoma Habitat for Humanity (one hundred seventy one dollars, to be exact). Thanks again to all the nice folks in the local news media who helped us out, and thanks to the IAO for being such a welcoming venue. And thanks to everyone who came out to the show last night! I hope everyone had a great time. I know I did.

Here's my set from last night. But be warned, it is over 15 minutes long. Download!

Don't You Think The Joker Laughs At You? Ho-Ho-Ho, Hee-Hee-Hee, Ha-Ha-Ha!

Okay, short post today. In fact, it’s really just a press release. Executive summary: come to the IAO tomorrow night and see some comics and support Central Oklahoma Habitat For Humanity. Hope you can make it!
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Individual Artists of Oklahoma Presents “Let The Laughter Build: A Night of Comedy to Benefit Central Oklahoma Habitat for Humanity.”

Individual Artists of Oklahoma
811 N. Broadway
Oklahoma City

For more information call: 405.834.4543

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

What: Individual Artists of Oklahoma Presents “Let The Laughter Build: A Night of Comedy to Benefit Central Oklahoma Habitat for Humanity.”

When: Saturday, December 9, 2006

Price: $5.00

Doors Open: 7:30 p.m.

Show begins: 8:30 p.m.

Where: Individual Artists of Oklahoma Gallery, 811 N. Broadway

Details: Local comedians will be out in force to raise money for Central Oklahoma Habitat for Humanity. Nathan Anderson, Kyle Kubiak, Seth Joseph, Spencer Hicks, Brad Porter, Lewis Chambers and Scotty Doyle will be performing, and door prizes will be given away throughout the evening. A short reception will follow the performance. Proceeds from the ticket sales will go to support Central Oklahoma Habitat for Humanity.

Doors open at 7:30 p.m. and the show begins at 8:30. The show is appropriate for ages 18 and up. For more information, please call 405.834.4543 or email sethjoseph@gmail.com