I Don't Know Where I Am But I Know I Don't Like It.

I hate the mall. I hate the noise, the crowds, the prices, the parking lots. Everything except the pretzel place. In the past, the mall has been particularly dreadful for me in the Christmas season. It drives me crazy being at the mall, but I always end up there, searching in vain for a present that doesn't suck like Mariah Carey's Christmas album. It really ruins the Christmas season for me.

So, each December I pray that I will finally have the steely resolve necessary to look my friends and family in the eyes and say "I'm not doing Christmas this year. I love you, but I'm neither giving nor receiving presents. Now, who wants Chinese food?" The Chinese food is really just a quick way to change the topic, and nothing makes you forget about holiday tradition faster than a mouthful of Szechuan Green Beans.

I've gone so far as to eschew flu shots to protect against the winter madness, but I always seem to find myself at the mall shortly before Christmas, stuck in a sort of purgatory, where I must languish until I dig through the memories of my loved ones to decide if anyone I know needs a copy of "24: The DVD Boardgame." Thankfully, I was born again early this year, and got myself to Target on Friday night. It's a much nicer way to shop, I think. You've got your cart, there's not a giant fountain creating a constant drone in the back of your mind, and there's just fewer people. So, if I got you something you don't like this year, you know where to take it.

Well, that's not entirely true. There was one item on my list that Target did not have. And it made me sick to contemplate it, but I knew I could find it at Macy's, or JC Penny, or some other "anchor" store. So, I went to the mall on the Saturday before Christmas. I spent 20 minutes in the parking lot. I spent two minutes stuck behind a Lincoln Navigator with the license plate "Howell 5" as they waited for a man to back out who, it turns out, was just putting some bags back into his truck. I got to see Josh Heupel signing autographs, although it might have been Jason White. Someone tried to sell me fake snow. It didn't seem to have a lot to do with anything religious, let alone the birth of a savior.

Here's where I might bring up the crass commercialization of Christmas, or the historical inaccuracies of the story, or even the evil nature of that which is Christmas music. But I won't. I'm going to get off my high horse, and just admit that I like Christmas. Yeah, the mall sucks. Traffic sucks. Fruitcake sucks. But at the same time, I like being with my loved ones. I like giving them gifts. I like Christmas lights and Charlie Brown's Christmas Special. Sure, there's a lot about the holiday that makes me cringe, or even fume. And I would rather sit in silence than listen to Christmas music. But I'm not going to be a dick about it. I'm cutting out the "bah" and the "humbug." I'm remembering the joy of spending time with my friends and family, and the beauty of a savior coming to Earth to bring people gifts that were undeserved but greatly appreciated.

So I say Merry Christmas, and thank you all for being a part of my life. I don't know if I deserve you, but I do appreciate having you in my life.