History Shows Again And Again How Nature Points Out The Folly Of Men

I am incredibly tired today. I feel hungover. I was up until three in the fucking morning working on my class assignment for humor writing.

And it’s funny, no doubt. I just don’t know if it was worth it. I have been dragging ass all day, feeling stiff and tired, and as I write this I still have at least 5 hours to go before I can safely drift off to Nod. So, like I said, it’s a funny skit, but for the pain I’m in right now, it should have been heeee-fucking-larious.

You can judge for yourself.


FADE IN:

EXT. WHITE HOUSE LAWN - DAY

DAVID GREGORY stands in front of the White House. He holds a microphone.
He is surrounded on screen by NBC News graphics.

DAVID GREGORY
Shocking news today, as the White House has revealed a
long-term deal with the government in Pyongyang to
provide materials for the construction and testing of nuclear
weapons. We join the President's remarks in progress.

INT. WHITE HOUSE PRESS ROOM - DAY

GEORGE BUSH stands behind the podium at the front of the room. The room is
filled with reporters.

GEORGE BUSH
In the interests of national security, in pursuit of our war
on terror, we have been working in conjunction with North
Korea. We have provided intelligence, nucular material and
equipment to North Korea. Under our guidance, they have
produced, and now tested, a nucular weapon.

Chatter from the audience, flashbulbs.

GEORGE BUSH (CONT'D)
We have joined forces to fight a bigger evil: Godzilla. It is
common knowledge that Godzilla is attracted to nucular
power. So, you see, we turn North Korea into a nucular
power, and we draw Godzilla out. We will fight him over
there, so we don't have to fight him here. I'll now take
questions.

Chatter from the audience.

REPORTER
Mr. President! Isn't there a chance that this will possibly
destabilize the region?

GEORGE BUSH
I'm not gonna lie. Next question.

REPORTER 2
How did this operation begin?

GEORGE BUSH
We received some very disturbing intel from sources in
Japan. Acting upon that intel, we contacted the North
Korean government and approached them with this plan.
They immediately agreed.

REPORTER 3
Mr. President! Will we coordinate militarily with the North
Koreans?

GEORGE BUSH
Yes. Our strategy is to let Godzilla run amok in North
Korea, hopefully drawing out other terrorist monsters like
Mothra and Ghidra. After they have worn themselves out,
we'll move in with a coalition of international forces to
remove any remaining insurgents. It shouldn't take more
than a few months. That's all for now. We will be updating
you with any further developments from Monster Island.

EXT. WHITE HOUSE LAWN - DAY

David Gregory is still reporting.

DAVID GREGORY
We go now to Chris Matthews for reactions to this
shocking news.

INT. TELEVISION STUDIO - DAY

CHRIS MATTHEWS sits at the anchor desk.

CHRIS MATTHEWS
Big news today. Big lizards today. Has the president
finally lost his nut or should we be buying radioactive
dinosaur insurance? Will duct tape and bottled water be
enough to save us? Joining us are two people maybe insane
enough to think we're not all hallucinating. First stop on
the crazy train: Ann Coulter. Ann, tell me why this is the
best idea in the history of mankind.

ANN COULTER
(via satellite)
Chris, liberals have known for years about the threat
Godzilla poses to the American way of life. In fact, this
wouldn't even be a problem, but these guys have got such a
hard on for saving the wildlife that they refuse to do
anything about it.

CHRIS MATTHEWS
How about it? Do the liberals have a raging happy for
rampaging monsters, or is this just another in a long line of
presidential paranoid delusions? Michael Moore!

MICHAEL MOORE
(via satellite)
Absolutely.

CHRIS MATTHEWS
Well put. That's it for now. We'll be back later to discuss
pork-barrell spending and the rush to build America's new
Mecha-Godzilla.

FADE OUT.