But What’s Puzzling You Is The Nature Of My Game

I take a perverse pleasure in depriving people of that which they so desperately want. Bear in mind, I did not use the word “need.” Need is different from want. Want is what turns animals into assholes. If you screw me out of a piece of bread because you need it to eat in order to stay alive, I’m not happy about it but I understand (and I’ll do my best to get that bread back or find some more). But if you ride my bumper through a construction zone on the highway because you want to go faster, I am likely to turn into an asshole. Ask the charming young lady who drove behind me this morning. I don’t know sign language, but I’m pretty good at reading lips and I could tell that she had accurately identified me as an “asshole.” She seemed to be very concerned that I know she had correctly understood the situation, so she repeated it over and over and drove as close to my bumper as possible in order to make sure I could see her. I was pleased that we were able to communicate so well even though we were in different cars. “Could this be the beginning of a lifelong friendship,” I wondered. I looked into my rearview mirror and smiled at her. I waved. She did not wave back. I smiled again, but still no response.

Soon the highway widened back to four lanes, and she changed lanes. As she drove past me, I knew that our chances of friendship were quickly running out. So I waved again, and smiled at her. She merely mouthed “ASSHOLE” again as she sped out of my life. Kind of a one-trick pony, I guess. Here’s the craigslist "missed connections" I posted:

“Why Can’t We Be Friends?”
You: curly brown hair, a foul mouth, and some worthless silver car
Me: extremely handsome “asshole” in a Pontiac Sunfire obeying the speed limit
Where: I-35, northbound through Moore
When: Not soon enough for you, apparently
My morning drive is usually the low point of my day, but thanks to you this morning was one of the high points of my life. As we drove together through the narrow, exciting two lane portion of I-35, I was enchanted by you and your angry, angry face. I don’t want to scare you off, but I immediately imagined what life with a gentle soul like you would be like. It may have been the Red Bull I had just finished, or the Belle & Sebastian song playing on my iPod, but I cherished every second of our time together. I do hope that I can see you again sometime, screaming and cursing in my rearview mirror.