It’s A Dirty Job, But Shooting Guns Just Makes You Horny

What does the [CRAZY-ASS RELIGIOUS TV SHOW TITLE REDACTED] have in common with the Militia of Montana, the Michigan Militia, and a few other antigovernment fringe groups? Well, my animosity, just so we’re clear, but also a disturbing fondness for conspiracy theories. I’ve been cataloging “Documentaries” today that attempt to expose “the truth” behind the “cover up” of the bombing that the “mainstream media” won’t report. I just watched the [CRAZY-ASS RELIGIOUS TV SHOW TITLE REDACTED]’s report on “the cover up,” and as I watch it I see some things, and some things are conspicuously absent. For example, very rarely do you find any rescuers, survivors or family members of victims involved in these reports. But I do see some errors. Not a slew, mind you, but just enough to make me realize that these people have packaged their lies with just enough truth to make them palatable and believable to the brain-trusts who watch this shit. I know I’ve gone off on [UNCOOL CRAZY-ASS RELIGIOUS TV SHOW HOST NAME REDACTED] before, and I know I can’t see what’s really in his heart, but this motherfucker makes me want to get as far from Christianity as I can. I think he’s a lousy example of Christianity, and I think he’s an even worse excuse for a journalist. And the fact that he uses Christianity to spread his paranoid, intolerant messages should be offensive to anyone who has read and taken to heart the teaching of Jesus. It is so objectionable on so many levels.

Speaking of dicks, the “24” season finale was chock full of them. Jack Bauer fought off terrorists to gain control of the missiles (phallic?) aboard a submarine (cock-like?) and even got to stab a fella in the throat (hmmm... penetration....). Add to it the opening of the missile tubes in preparation for launch, their closure after the launch was aborted, and the metaphorical money-shot as Jack popped two cold-blooded caps into Chris Henderson’s chest (come to think of it, the tubes closed right after Jack “shot his load” all over Peter Weller’s character). And the whole time, Jack’s running around with a man-bag over his shoulder. He’s had it all season, almost like he’s wearing his cojones on the outside. And, not so surprisingly, whatever Jack needs to accomplish his mission comes right out of that bag. Hmm. Plus, President Logan is a total dick. But the biggest dicks of all? Chinese Ninjas. Sneaky fucks kidnapped Jack in the last 15 minutes of the finale. Will season 6 feature Jack protecting the Fujian province from terrorists? We’ll find out in only 6 short months.

[props to Lars for inspiring the graphic design!]