Cease to Resist Giving My Goodbye

Okay, so I was going to write about some very different topics today, but I cannot not comment upon Mr. Pat Robertson’s amazing interpretation of the New Testament offered on the 700 Club recently. In speaking of Hugo Chavez, and his wacky tendency to accuse the U.S. of plotting his assassination, Robertson put forth a fantastic example of other-cheek-turning: let’s kill him! Yeah! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! Wait, no, what? I thought that every life was sacred, that God wants us to love each other as we would our own brothers and sisters, and to not go around offing folks for being crazy and inconvenient for our foreign policy. I’m not exactly sure from which beatitude he draws the justification for assassination. It must be one of those books at the end of the Bible that I didn’t get to read.

So, is Robertson completely insane? I don’t know, but judge not, lest ye be... no, the guy’s totally mental.

Hmm, so actually I covered that pretty quickly. So, I’ll talk about signs and signals. They’re oh-so handy in everyday situations! They tell people where they’re not supposed to smoke, when someone is turning left, when you should cross the street, and when you should seriously concentrate on getting your country’s shit together. What was that last part about? Well, various members of the current administration, of which I’m not a fan, have stood firm in their resolve to not set a date for U.S. troop withdrawal from Iraq. Why not?

“Well, think of the signal that would send!”

Okay, let’s think about it critically. If we announced that troops would stand down and withdraw in, let’s say 8 months, what signals would be sent?

First, the insurgents would realize they only had to hold on for 8 more months, and then they could have their sweaty way with the unprotected maiden that is Iraq. Yeah... I don’t know if anyone’s been paying attention or not, but these guys are holding on pretty well anyway. They think we’re going to be there forever, and it hasn’t really rained on their parade yet. I’m not entirely sure that our continued presence, or the spectre thereof, is not a prime recruiting instrument for the Iraqi insurgency. Now, this is not a jab at the U.S. military. They are the best in the world (ya hear that, China?!), and they’ve done the best job possible considering what a miserable fucking mission their Commander-in-Chief sent them on. Bad planning, poor supplies, unrealistic world view, and plain old hubris have left our military coping in a situation they should not have been sent to deal with in the first place. They toppled the regime, as we knew they would, and they should be allowed to come home with our (and the Iraqi people’s) thanks.

More importantly, however, the news of a planned U.S. pullout from Iraq would cause a massive and profound loosening of the bowels in the provisional Iraqi government. Which is just fine, because these kids need to shit or get off the pot. They need to realize that we won’t hold their hands forever, and that they had best learn to fight for themselves (I’m sure we’d be happy to sell them some guns, as well...seems we’re pretty good at that). Also, they would do well to remember that an imperfect constitution (one that can be amended, for example) is preferable to total anarchy.

Never Find an Answer that Fits in Your Plans

Four issues are burning a hole in my mind, but I’ll only get to two of them today. And, shock-of-all-shocks, I’m pissed off about both.

First things first. The fine folks on our local Campus Activities Council have put together a fall concert for the students, featuring 311. 311. Three Eleven. They sucked even when they were popular. I can’t imagine that the intervening years have lessened their suck. Back when 105.3 was the SPY in Oklahoma, I called to de-request 311’s "Amber." The DJ thanked me, and encouraged me to send an email to the station expressing my dislike of the band so that other DJ’s would take the song out of rotation. They suck that badly. Why are we being graced with their presence? I don’t know. What sucks even more, however, is that Better Than Ezra, one of my favorite 90’s bands, is also on the bill. So, a quandary ensues. Do I purchase a ticket, thus lending money and credibility to the musical cat-butt that is 311? (not to be confused with actual cat butts, or the old SubPop group Cat Butt, which deserve not the denigration I am offering 311) Or do I avoid the show, and Better Than Ezra, for spite? Yeah, I think I do. I am, if nothing else, a spiteful little bastard.

Second thing that’s pissing me off this week (actually, it started to piss me off last week) is my hometown’s ridiculous lack of scalping laws. There was a time (about 4 years ago) and a place (right here, actually) when it made no sense for OKC to trouble itself over scalping. No one ever played here, so we had no tickets for scalpers to scalp. Then, some forward-thinking folks decided to build some nice places for touring acts to tour through. And then came the scalpers! For example, the Killers played a week ago at the Coca-Cola Convention Center in Bricktown. It’s a pretty big venue for a hip, new, indie-type band to be playing. Of course the show sold out. Feeling stupidly optimistic, I checked eBay to see if anyone in town was selling tickets. I found one jackass in New York selling a pair for $100. Let me deconstruct exactly what is wrong with that sentence. First off, the tickets sold originally for $28 each. But more importantly... the guy was in New York! What the hell is he doing speculating on tickets in Oklahoma City? Oh, and the kicker: he offered FedEx same day shipping to OKC for $175. So, we’re talking $274 to see a show that originally, with service charges, would have run $56 for two. Ridiculous.

So, I’m a bit pissed-off. Come back later, though, and I’ll share my thoughts on signals, and the weird realization that I’m about to be seen by scores of strangers on the Starz Network. Tingly...

I Know Where I'll Be Tonight

Thomas Doswell spent 19 years in prison for rape. He was released yesterday, based upon a DNA test which indicated it was someone else's semen found in the victim all those years ago. So, he didn't do it (unless he's found a way to ejaculate someone else's semen), and finally gets to go home for the first time in nearly two decades. Now Doswell had the chance to go home early, they call it parole, but was denied due to his intractable refusal to admit to and take responsibility for his crime. Yikes. What's even more yikes-worthy is the fact that prosecutors opposed the DNA test which cleared Doswell and freed up another prison bed. Now I know the arguments, both legal and logistical, for and against DNA testing in older cases such as this. Prosecutors are concerned, correctly so, that an unending stream of justly convicted felons will clog the courts with spurious requests for testing which they know will only bog down the system and piss off everyone concerned (yeah, lots of felons, it turns out, are real bastards). Then there's the argument that for every Doswell who is granted a test, there will be hundreds, if not-shudder-thousands who do not, and suddenly our system is no longer fair (relative term, but based on that whole "cruel and unusual" part of the Bill of Rights everyone is entitled to the usual treatment; therefore if we usually treat people like shit it isn't fair for some to not be subjected to the same shitty treatment). And of course, these tests are expensive.

Keeping those arguments in mind, I carefully choose my words in response: bollocks. If we need to hire more judges, more D.A.'s, bailiffs and court reporters to handle the increased load of cases, so be it. Raise taxes, I say, at the federal level if need be, and provide for these tests across the nation. The alternative is unthinkable, or at least should be. Are we a nation that would rather sit on our collective hands than roll up our sleeves and sort out the problems of the past? Wouldn't it be wonderful to be able to say definitively that we have done ALL WE POSSIBLY CAN to ensure that no innocent men and women are rotting in our prisons or, God forbid, being put to death unjustly by the state? Perhaps that is a minority opinion. After all, I'm a registered Democrat, so I get upset when my taxes go down. I hope it is ignorance, and not greed or malice that has made the public so slow to demand from the state the full measure of justice called for in our Constitution.

Lastly, a word on forgiveness, that bastard neighbor of justice that Jesus was fond of spouting off about. It seems that Mr. Doswell does not hold anger, at least publicly, toward those responsible for his 19 years. He spent the time earning an Associates Degree, learning Spanish and seven different instruments. It seems that our penal system can rehabilitate... so long as we're rehabilitating a law-abiding citizen.

That's all. Goodnight.