The Odds Of Faith In The Face Of Doubt

A question of faith came up recently. It made me think, of course, of Ernest Hemingway.

I love his writing style, and what he managed to accomplish is fantastic. I can’t imagine that the themes he wrote about will ever be far from the hearts of men and women. Love, loss, fear, pain, insignificance... these are all part of the wild ride, and they won’t go away. But he was no hero. He was a drunk, so angry at the world and so in hate with himself that he finally ate a shotgun one afternoon while his wife was out shopping. Was he mentally ill? Some might argue that anyone who tops themselves off like that must be. You know that famous quote of Hemingway’s? “The world breaks us, and makes us stronger in the broken places.” Isn’t that a great quote? It is, but it’s not the actual quote, it’s just the way we remember it. The actual quote goes more like “The world breaks everyone and afterward many are stronger at the broken places.” Not quite as optimistic, is it? So maybe Hemingway wasn’t becoming stronger through all his decades of pain (Spanish Civil War, anyone?), and just couldn’t take it anymore. Maybe he just knew it would never be worth it to him to go on.

Now, I’m big on uncertainty. Who knows what’s over the next hill, right? Life is a series of hills, I suppose, and each day brings us a better view of where’s we’ve been and where we might be going. I can understand how a person might think that each day will simply be a more painful repetition of yesterday, but I can’t wrap my mind around wanting to give it all up. Maybe it’s a question of faith (in God, humanity, or even in yourself) that keeps people going.

Many years ago (not that many, since I’m not that old) I started a slow but steady tectonic drift away from the beliefs of my parents, and many of the values with which I was raised. Certain givens that I had grown up with became... less given. Blame the secular media, or our Godless public schools if you like (although I’m the product of Montessori and Catholic education), but as the world broke me down, little by little, I found that my beliefs didn’t become stronger at all. Eventually I was only left with uncertainty. I still believe in a world outside of my understanding. No, that’s not entirely true. I’m not sure if there is one or not, but since I can’t rule it out, I’m still open to the possibility. I hope there’s more to this world than what we see, but in the meantime, I’m living this life as if it’s all there is. Now, that sounds a bit hedonistic and, frankly, sociopathic, but it’s really not. If this world is all there is, then nothing is more important than what we do here and how we treat each other in this life. So, I try to give to others and take as little as possible. I try to leave people, places and things better than I found them. And that’s what I’ll keep doing, until I figure out a better way.

[get your uncertainty at biblebeltbabylon.blogspot.com, xanga.com/moontos, and blog.myspace.com/moontos]