(Keep Your Conscience in the Dark)

I've been ill for the past week, and although the source of the infection cannot be proven, I do have my suspects... Consequently, my will to continue writing every day (in a forum that no one reads) has been sapped, and I have been plagued (blessed?) by bizarre feverish thoughts and visions. Throughout this infection and recovery, I have had much time to think and precious little else to do. After much contemplation, soul-searching and introspection, I have come to suspect that my sub-conscious mind has utter contempt and revulsion for the things I do in my waking life.

These suspicions, condemnations and recriminations come to me in the darkest hours of the night, when I awake with a jolt after having fallen asleep on my couch, usually while watching a DVD. I snap back into consciousness suddenly, my mind ablaze with thoughts that are not mine, or at least not those that I hold on to. Last week, for example, I was awakened by the realization that I never pay my bills... only I do pay my bills, and almost always early. On Saturday night I awoke suddenly, thinking "I haven't done anything with my life, and I never will. Kevin Smith did something with his life, but not me." The accomplishments of Mr. Smith aside, I have done some things with my life, and show all signs of doing more things in the future. Finally, last night I awoke thinking about what a horrible person I was for not calling home (I had actually called home earlier in the day, but only spoke with the answering machine).

I'm not sure exactly why my sleeping self hates me so, but it probably has something to do with all the feelings of guilt, shame and regret that I've buried in order to carry on my daily life for the past 26 years. Only makes sense that the night shift would get tired of dealing with all the garbage after a while.